


Fluorescent Adolescent

by aldinee



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anorexia, Cuddling, Drinking, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Older Yuuri, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Recovery, Romance, Roomates, Trust Issues, viktor has anorexia, younger Viktor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-21 06:27:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11938248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aldinee/pseuds/aldinee
Summary: After months of starving himself to the bone, Viktor is sent to a "loony house", where he meets a beautiful young boy with sad eyes named Yuuri.





	1. -450

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! If you are triggered with themes about eating disorders, anorexia, bulimia etc, please don`t fucking read this fic.  
> However, if you enjoy tragic stories like me, with lots of fluff and smut in all the angst, then continue reading!<3

I don't know exactly when it all started. When did food stopped being a source of fulfillment and fun, and became numbers, calories, grams and fear? That’s what seems to consume my life nowadays; fear and calories. I guess that from a “specialist” point of view, you could pin point all the situations of my life that led me to obsess over not eating. Because my obsession is not even with being thin per se, it’s all about the control not eating gives me. Like, mom left again for three months out of the blue? Well shit, I can’t control that but I can sure control the fact that I’m not eating dinner tonight. I guess when I spell it out like that it sounds really stupid to other people, but in my fucked up brain it makes sense.

For people like me, it is so easy to starve yourself when no one is there to tell you to eat. After I graduated high school, it as _so easy._ I was not a loner in school; in fact I could be even considered one of the “popular kids”. I was invited to parties, always had a little crew of people around me; I even had the asshole-jock attitude going on. But all of this was a mask; it is so easy to isolate yourself in a large group of people. I had friends, but not the real kind ones, as everyone was too busy being popular, gossiping, putting on a front. So the moment I received that diploma and said “congratulations”, all of my friends vanished. I can’t even remember now why I wanted to hang out so much with them in the first place. Two weeks after graduation, they all vanished of my life; they became just casual updates in Instagram and Facebook, as they led lives much happier than mine. Most of them went to colleges at the other side of the country, or even the other side of the world. Others even started working right away. Me? I did nothing. I had no ambitions, no dreams, no expectations to what my life will become. So when I told my mom I wanted to wait a little bit before going into college, she agreed. I think she would have agreed to me joining a circus or any kind of lame proposition I gave her.

So, alas, the months of my self-chosen solitude started. In this very old book, I read a quote that left me thinking for a while, “There are numerous ways in which God can makes us lonely and lead us back to ourselves”. This left me wondering, what if there was no “oneself” to begin with? Because if you took away my masks and my façade; I was nothing, I was no one. If I was so lonely, does that mean this God was leading me to my own nothingness? What a dull interpretation of such a beautiful quote, I know. But that's what its like in my mind these days, dull, dull, dull.

 Before, I didn't have much issue with food. Sure, sometimes I forgot to eat and counting calories was like a second nature to me, but I think the true obsession aroused in those dark months of nothingness. A month into my solitude, my mom decided to make a business trip. I can’t remember where, I’m not sure if she even told me. I guess she was the one making me eat at that point; I cherished every moment with her so I always ate breakfast and dinner. She wasn't a very good cook, but she was actually doing something for me so I ate it happily, I guess. But then she left, telling me “I was old enough to take care of myself”. I told her that of course I could, I wasn't a baby anymore.

The first weeks I tried, I really did. I would go shopping for food, looked up some recipes online, tried hard to make cooking and eating fun. However, after a while I stopped seeing the point, as I didn't really want to eat in the first place. And so, I cut lunch out of the picture, as I was used skipping it anyway. Then breakfast was out, because getting out of bed in the morning was too much of a hassle. And dinner became of scavenging whatever was on the kitchen; a piece of bread, an apple, pack of chips, some cereal, and so on.

It wasn't as I did nothing all day; I read like A LOT. Lots of different books, from stupid fanfictions online to classical philosophical books. I liked the scape of reality they provided. I also liked drawing. I couldn't really draw at school; my “friends” weren’t into it, so of course I wasn't either. But I always felt certain proclivity towards it, and now in my solitude, I could explore it deeply. I spent days and days painting canvases, creating characters; I even painted my whole room from the walls to the ceiling of creatures I had created. When I finished doing this, I realized I hadn’t eaten in four days. I went to the kitchen and tried to force down some bread down my throat, but I was so used to not eating now that by the first loaf, I was done. I didn't really think too deeply about this.

* * *

 

Every week, our housekeeper would come and clean the house, leave some groceries, do some maintenance in the garden. Three and a half months had already passed since my mom left (I know she said she would be gone for less, but you never know with her) and in all this time I had managed to avoid our housekeeper. But this time, I forgot she was coming.

“Victor, oh my dear god” she screamed when she saw me.

“Hey Matilda, how you been?” I tried to ask as casually as possible. She was goggling me all over, and it was making me little uncomfortable.

“My sweet Lord, you look like a ghost! What have you been eating all this time? A boy like you should eat like five meals a day. No, this is not good. Come to the kitchen I will make you something to eat.” She said, as she ushered me into the kitchen and made me sit. She was the first actual human contact I’ve had for a while, and the attention puzzled me.

She made me eat a lot, and told me stupid stories about her life. I was quiet, trying to force down the food. It wasn't bad, actually it was kind of delicious, but just the thought of eating it all made me dizzy. When Matilda was satisfied with the amount of food that I had eaten, she left, making me promise that I would eat from the left-overs and containers of premade food she had left me.

“Sure, Matilda” I said weakly, closing the front door. My stomach was hurting so fucking bad. And my hands where shaking and my head was spinning and the world was so, so, so wrong. _This is what happens when you eat, everything goes to shit._

After that, things only went downhill. Well, even more downhill than before.

 

* * *

 

By the time my mom came back (five and a half months after she left), I was used consuming a net amount of “negative calories”. The actual amount I consumed per day was about 50 calories, but then I ran around the house, did some crunches, even some laps in the pool to burn around 500 calories. Minimum. So my net was -450. Fun stuff.

“Well, shit” my mom said, the moment she saw me.

“Shit indeed mom” I answered.

In a matter of two hours, she had already called “a special place that helps people like me”, packed my bags and sent me in a fucking taxi to this place.

 

 

* * *

  

It was a crazy house; there was no other way around it. My mom had already called the place, so they were expecting me. The moment I arrived, a nurse led me into a small office. There was a man, who explained me that, as I was of age, I had to sing a contract saying I had willingly come to this place seeking treatment.

“You have to sign this consent form” he said, placing the paper in front of me. I sighed. I couldn't go back home. I couldn't crash anywhere else. And besides, what did I have to lose? Nothing. So I signed.

“Perfect. Now, Nurse Gren will go through your stuff, you know. Just making sure you don't have any pills or blades or stuff like that. Also, you will need to wear this bracelet at all times, no discussion” he tied a plastic bracelet to my wrist. _Viktor Nikiforov it read, 19 years old, blood type B._ There where some blank spaces for height, weight and diagnosis. Well, shit.

“He is clean, sir” Nurse Gren says, closing my bag.

“Very well. Viktor, tomorrow you will have you first session with Doctor Feltsman, he will be your psychiatrist from now on. Dinner is at seven thirty; no one is allowed to skip it. Your roommate will explain the rest of the rules to you.”

“Roomate?” This was the only thing that stuck to me. How the hell was I supposed to live with someone, after literally living in a cave for a shit ton of months?

“Yes, Nurse Gren will take you to your room and introduce you. I hope your stay here is satisfactory.”

And just like that, I was being led through a carpeted corridor, to my new room and everything it brought with it.

 

* * *

 

The first thing a noticed about my roommate was that he was Asian. The second thing was that he was fucking gorgeous. How can someone look so cute in a huge black sweater and gray sweats?

“Hello Yuuri, this is Viktor. He is going to be your new roommate. Please show him around and explain all the rules, will you?” says Nurse Gren.

“Sure” he answers, with a shy smile. Sweet lord, that smile.

Nurse Gren leaves, closing the door silently behind her. I just stare at Yuuri. My social skills might be a little rusty, but I think that even in the prime of my popularity and smoothness, I would have stared at this boy for hours.

“Uhm well… I´m Yuuri. Katsuki. That's your side of the room, so you can leave your bag there…” He said, pointing to the left side of the room. There was a small bed, a desk and a wardrobe. I threw my bag on top of the bed. Unpacking could suck my ass.

“Your name is Viktor, right?” Yuuri asked. He licked his lips nervously, waiting for my answer. This boy was going to kill me.

“That's right. I´m Viktor Nikiforov, the one and only. Its truly a pleasure to meet you, Yuuri.” I said, dropping on my bed. I was so tired. So freaking tired.

“Nice to meet you too. Uhm… I wouldn't get too comfortable if I were you. We have to go down to dinner in about ten minutes. And I’m supposed to show you around and stuff…”he rambled.

“Do I really have to go to this dinner thing?” I asked, propping my self up with my elbows.

“Afraid so. They don't really _make_ you eat here, like in other places. You can eat whatever you want, even request special stuff. But they give you points for every good meal you have. And points lead to privileges.” He answers, sitting on his bed, which is located directly in front of mine.

“Well, shit” I say.

He smiles sadly at me, before he gets up and goes to the door.

“Come on, I´ll show you around.”

I sighed deeply before getting up and following him out the door.

 


	2. pusillanimous

“And this is the crafts room. We do art and stuff like that there. Next to it is the “talk” room; there are the group therapies. Everyday, 10 am, after breakfast. They usually last two hours, maybe more if the “mood” is good. You can’t skip that either.” Yuuri explains, while leading me through a labyrinth of rooms and rules.

“What a surprise” I say softly. Yuuri smiles at me again, stopping his tour for a moment.

“How old are you?” he says suddenly. He looks a little embarrassed by the sudden question, but he stares directly at me.

“ I think I turned nineteen sometime ago. What month is it?” I answer. Honestly, I though I was still eighteen until I saw the plastic bracelet on my wrist.

“Its the second of February” Yuuri answers, with his shy smile.

“Well, shit again. I turned nineteen ages ago. The more you know.” I answer, stretching my back a little. God, my body hurts.

“You look older” Yuuri replies. I stop mid-stretch to smirk at him.

“Well, how old are _you_?” I say, poking him lightly in the chest.

“I’m 20 years old” he says, turning around and walking down the corridor.

“What? You look so young! Like I swore you where sixteen or something”

“Yeah, I get that a lot” Yuuri answers with a soft laugh “Common, we have to go _eat_ now”

I groaned, but followed him anyway.

 

* * *

 

There were about 15 patients in this loony house and they where all seated in a long-ass table in the “dinning hall”. The table had bowls of different foods all the way through it. _Ugh_.

Yuuri sat down next to a very thin girl with red hair. He then pointed shyly to the seat next to him so I would join him. God, he was so freaking cute.

I stared at the bowls of food in front of me. There was a bowl of pasta, boiled eggs, salads, some chicken slices; they even had the audacity to place a plate of fucking fries. My stomach was already hurting looking at all that food. I noticed no one was eating yet.

“Is someone actually going to eat?” I whispered to Yuuri´s ear.

“Well, we always wait for the nurses to sit. Dunno, like manners or something?” he whispered back.

In that moment, Nurse Gren and other nurse I don't know sat at both ends of the table.

“Well, doesn't this pasta look amazing?” Nurse Gren says, while serving some in her plate. I watch as other patients reach for different bowls of food and start serving themselves. However, I don't have time to look to closely at what they are eating as I’m far too worried about my own plate.

I look at the pasta. Fuck that, if I eat that I would die for sure. I _hate_ chicken. The salad has this weird dressing of an unknown number of calories and eating that without knowing would drive me insane. I start to bite the inside of my cheeks, a nervous habit that is starting to leave a mark judging by all the fucking scars I have in the inside of my mouth.

I decide to look at Yuuri´s plate. He has a banana, three grapes, two eggs and exactly five fries. He notices my staring and whispers,

“If you don't eat anything for some days, they tube you. You don't want that” he then points at a girl across us. She is a petite blond, so thin you can see the veins around her eyes. She was a tube sticking out of her nose, and she looks absolutely miserable.

“Shit” I whisper. I decide to go for a boiled egg. 89 calories with the yolk, even less if you take it out. I obviously throw away that ball of cholesterol and fat. I cut the white into tiny little pieces, so it will last me till the end of dinner. I pick the first piece with my fork and force it into my mouth. My stomach already feels _wrong_.

I pick another piece. I am _not_ getting that fucking tube.

 

* * *

 

After a week in the loony house, I get fucking tubed. I honestly thought I was doing well, but apparently eating three egg whites a day is not a proper diet. I even like my psychiatrist, Doctor Feltsman. He lets me call him Yakov and I like to joke around him a lot, even if he has a resting bitch face. The first four sessions where about my actual situation; how was I handling my new routine? How was my roommate? How where the meals? I kind of liked those sessions, they where simple.

But then we had to get to the good stuff. Yes, daddy issues, mommy issues. As much as I liked Yakov, there is no way in hell I’m actually going to talk about all that. No, fuck it.

So yeah, now I’m tubed and I can’t move because this shit makes me feel so fucking sick. However, there is a bright light in this entire shit hole. And what a bright light indeed.

This past week, I ´ve been getting to know my precious roommate Yuuri. The thing about Yuuri, is that he is kind of hard to get to know. Don't get me wrong, I have talked with him for hours of the smallest of things. He has explained me the life in the loony house down to detail; how lights always go off at 10 pm and you have to be awake by 8 am, how we have to share the bathroom with two other boys and how horrible that is, how said bathrooms are locked for an hour after each meal so no one purges. He has told me about some of the patients he knows, Mila (the girl with red hair) and her friend Sara. Most of the patients where girls, so it was nice having a male friend.

Yuuri told me about the “communal” TV shows, as most patients sat down together to watch them. He explained all the plot of Game of Thrones, with all the names of the characters and their respective houses. He told me what books where good in the small library of the house.

What Yuuri didn't tell me, was anything _about_ him. The only actual information I had of him that didn't regard this place was his age.

So there I am, tubed in my bed, and Yuuri is talking about how good the next episode of Game of Thrones is going to be. And I think _fuck it._

“How long have you been here Yuuri?” I interrupt him.

He looks startled for a moment and then he laughs lightly.

“I feel you are going to start asking me all the taboo questions. You are the kind of person who would ask someone in _prison_ why they are there” he says.

“Yuuuuuri, come on. I’m tubed. I’m feeling like utter shit” I whine.

“Your complaining is not going to unlock my tragic backstory. But…I’ve been here for eight months. Now, don't ask anymore questions, that's what you get today” Yuuri answers.

“Holy shit, eight months?” I reply. Yuuri gives me a pointed look and I raise both of my hands in defeat.

“Fine, fine. You said that’s what I get today. Does that mean I’m getting more soon?”

“Depends” he smirks at me. Is he flirting? What does that smirk _mean_?

“On what?”

“Whether you _still_ want to get to know me, after I tell you some stuff”

 


	3. Questions

Before the tubing, I was weighting 98 pounds (44 kg). I _guess_ that's low for someone as tall as me, in all the glory of my 5'11 (180 cm). The first time they weighted me, Nurse Gren made me undress and she took some pictures of me. Apparently, this was the standard procedure for someone diagnosed with _anorexia nervosa_. She also measured me and scribbled in a portfolio. After the tubing, I gained four pounds. What was in that shit?

I was constantly observed after that second weighting. Nurse Gren went every half an hour to check on me. Apparently, gaining weight after a tubing is a crazy-no-no trigger for most patients.

“Some people get really sad. The scary kind of sad” Yuuri explains to me “Others just lose it and start hurting themselves. You are handling it surprisingly well”.

“I´m gonna explain something to you Yuuri. I don't eat because I want to be thin. I don't eat just because I don’t want to eat. I didn't even know my weight before I came here” I say, while pinching his nose. He has such a cute nose, so small and pointed.

“That's so fucked up. You know that right?” he says in a nasal voice, as I am still pinching his nose.

“I know I’m fucked up, that's why I’m _here_ ” I answer.

“We are all a little fucked up aren’t we?” he says, with a sad smile “Common, there is this new movie that I know you’ll love” And just like that, he grabs my hand and leads me to the common room, where we watch _Scott Pilgrim vs. the world_ and talk about non-fucked, happy, meaningless things.

* * *

 

My days in the loony house dragged on. I got used to the routine, which I eventually realised was good for me. Having a set hour to wake up, gave me a _reason_ to get out of bed at all. The fact that Yuuri showered after me, gave me a reason to actually shower. And I actually liked group therapy sessions a lot. Sometimes I bowled my eyes out listening to someone’s story, others times we just played fun games and fooled around. What I liked the most about group sessions was that you didn't _have_ to participate. You could just listen.

My afternoons where busy with my daily appointment with Yakov, which lasted around an hour. Then I spent my time in the art room, and surprisingly, I got “points” for showing such an interest in drawing and painting. Eventually, I got enough points I could take one of the sketchbooks and some pencils to my room, so I could draw all the time.

But the best part of all was Yuuri. I don't know what exactly drove us to get so attached with each other. It might have been the solitude of our circumstances, or just the simple fact that we “clicked”.

In the end, the important part was that I was all the time with Yuuri. We sat next to each other in every meal, in every movie, in every group therapy. I watched the whole Harry Potter series with him on a weekend, as he was astonished I had never seen it. He came with me to the art room, reading while I played around with paints. He even let me draw him, and soon enough, my whole sketchbook was filled with drawings of him.

But even after all the hours I spent with Yuuri, I knew nothing about him. At least, nothing of who he was outside the house.

However, that started to change one afternoon. After a particularly draining session with Yakov, I stared at the piece of bread in front of me. I just couldn't eat it. These last days, I could handle a piece of toast for dinner. But that day I just couldn't. So I just stared.

Yuuri, noticing my distress, poked me on the side so I looked at him.

“Tell you what. Every time you eat a proper meal, I’ll tell you something about myself. You´ve been driving me crazy with all your questions”

I opened my eyes widely, sensing this was once in a lifetime opportunity.

“Are you serious?” I ask.

“Deadly”

And this is Yuuri we are talking about, so of course I cut my piece of toast into tiny pieces and start chewing them slowly. When dinner is over, we go to our room and I sit on my bed, waiting expectantly.

“So, you only get one question per meal, okay?” he says while sighing. I nod excitedly and think for a second, before spilling the first question that comes to my mind.

“ _Why_ are you here Yuuri?” I ask.

“Eh, that's a really complicated question. Lets start with something simpler, okay?” he says, smiling sadly again.

“Fine, fine. What did you do for fun, before you came here?” I say, while crossing my legs.

“Well, I used to party. Like, _a lot_. But I don't really like doing that anymore. I still like to dance, though. I also liked cooking.” He answers, taking a piece of his hair into his fingers and twirling it anxiously.

“Oh my god! Yuuri the life of the party. I can totally see that” I answer. Honestly, Yuuri is such a cute person, who wouldn't like to be around him?

“Can you?” he laughs softly “I don't think it's the kind of parties you are imagining. But anyway, what about you?”

“What about me?” I say, tilting my head slightly.

“What did you do for fun?” he asks. And he looks genuinely interested in what I had to say. I blink slowly for a moment, startled by the fact someone is actually _interested_.

“I don't really know. Fool around, I guess. I used to hang out with some really shitty people, so I didn't do anything special. Smoke some weed, go to house parties in the weekends. Stuff like that.”

Yuuri hums while staring at me, tilting his head slightly.

“But I don't really do stuff like that anymore either. Anyway, i`m already thinking what i`m going to ask you tomorrow” I say, clapping my hands excitedly.

“Oh god, you are going to make me regret this deal, aren’t you?” he says, smiling softly. 

* * *

 

And just like that, I start eating a little more. And I start learning more and more about Yuuri.

“Favorite food?” I ask, after successfully eating a half a bowl of cereal for breakfast. Yuuri laughs and pushes me lightly.

“I can’t believe you wasted a question in something like that!” he exclaims.

“ Its _important_ Yuuri, answer the question” I whine.

“Fine, pork cutlet bowls. My mom used to make it all the time when I was little.” He says, looking at the floor. I could feel the sadness radiating of him. Uh-oh.

“Well, I’ve never tried them, so when we get out of here you’ll have to make me some!” I say. And his small smile is back, so we talk about our favourite foods all the way to group therapy.

With our game, I learn that Yuuri`s favourite colour is red, that he is an only child, that his favourite animal are poodles, that he know Japanese, his favourite band Artic Monkeys, and a million other tiny things. I think that for anyone else, these small discoveries wouldn't be as important as they where for me. But somehow, they became my impulse to _eat_. Yuuri became the reason I was striving to be alive. And maybe in any other context, this wouldn't be considered healthy. Yet, the deeper I entangled myself with Yuuri, the healthier I became. And just like that, with his soft voice, his light touches and cute laugh, I realize I am in love with Yuuri. Irrevocably, irremediably, in love.

* * *

 

“Have you had any girlfriends?” I ask one night. I´ve earned this question. I ate some of the _pasta_ , for Christ sake.

Yuuri laughs, a little nervously, from his bed. We are facing each other, our backs to the wall, the small space between the beds separating us.

“I was never one for girlfriends” he answers.

“What about boyfriends?” I shoot back immediately.

“You get only one question Viktor” he says, covering his face with a pillow.

I decide I can´t live without knowing the answer to this particular question. So I stand from my bed and jump into Yuuri’s, removing the pillow from his face. I stare at him for a moment, with his messy hair and crooked glasses. How can someone be so beautiful?

“Common Yuuri, humour me for once. I´ll do your laundry for a week if you tell me.” I say, shaking him lightly by his shoulders.

“Viktor, they do the laundry for us here, you know that” he says.

“Please tell me Yuuri, pleaaaseee” I whine, pouting and blinking my eyes at him. He covers his face with the pillow again, but before the white cloth covers his face, I can see he is blushing all the way down his neck. Success!

“Fine...I had a boyfriend once. It didn't work out” his voice comes out muffled against the pillow.

“Why not?” I ask. I know I’m pushing it, but Yuuri still answers.

“I was really messed up back then” he answers, taking the pillow off his face and looking at me seriously.

“Oh” I mumble.

He sighs softly and his sad smile is back again.

“What about you? I bet you were a real heartbreaker back in high school” he says, poking me lightly.

“Well, not really. I’ve never had a girlfriend. Or boyfriend. I was actually a total slut in high school” I say. He raises his eyebrows and tilts his head to the side, edging me to continue.

“You know, all these issues? Wanting the attention, but terrified of the commitment? Well, I solved that by sleeping around. I got the attention, but when I wanted out, it was easy. It was harder with girls; some of them got attached _so_ easily. I liked boys better. Bomb sex with no strings attached? That was my thing back then” i say, letting myself fall next to Yuuri. I stare at our ceiling, waiting for Yuuris answer.

“You know Viktor? Sometimes you say this really sad stuff as if it was nothing” he whispers.

I turn my head to look at him and I notice he was already looking at me. He is so close I can smell him, the vanilla scent of his skin and the mint in his breath.

Yuuri has such beautiful eyes. Its easy to forget how truly astonishing they are, always covered by his glasses. But here, so close to his face, I am reminded of the depth of his stare. How his eyes seem so old, yet so young at the same time. How they sparkle, but are still covered in a layer of sadness.

“Your eyes are so pretty Yuuri” I say softly. And somehow, I can see some pain deep within his eyes when I say this. But the moment he blinks, its suddenly gone. He throws his pillow at me, saying, “Go to sleep Viktor” with his same old soft smile.

 


	4. Mama

 

Two months pass by, and I realize that I feel _good_. I´ve gained some pounds and I’ve been able to talk about my mom with Yakov, which wasn't the easiest thing to do. I told him how much I love her, even if she finds it hard to even _care_ about me. I tell him about the time I fell off a swing when I was 10, and she didn't notice I had a broken rib until I started coughing up blood. I tell him about the time I ran away with a guy 10 years older than me, when I was 15. I disappeared for two weeks and when I came back, her only complain was that I had to go to school, because they where driving her insane with all the calling.

Yakov was good in his job; he had a really soothing method to deal with all this stuff. I didn't realize I was actually _dealing_ with it, until I started to actually have an appetite. I still can’t talk about my dad though.

I guess Yuuri is doing better too. He ate a whole bowl of Lucky charms yesterday, and trust me, in a place like this that is a true accomplishment. We still play the question game after every meal, but I’ve come to realize he never answers any of the questions regarding his past, or the reason of why he is here. It’s always “Ask another question Viktor” and “Ill tell you about that later”. Sometimes I wonder if he´s ever going to tell me _at all._ I don't blame him though; I still haven’t told him about the truly dark stuff either. I guess I’m scared of what he will think of me if I do. Maybe he is scared too.

* * *

 

I think that in our lives, there are certain moments that change everything. Most of times, we don't realize it until the moment it’s gone and our lives change forever. But this time, I did realize.

It was the weekend, a Sunday. Most patients where visited by their families that day, and there where some activities you could do with them. In all the time I’ve been here, my mom hadn’t come. But it wasn't that bad, because I had Yuuri with me. And sadly, no one came to visit him either. So we spent family day together and it was nice. It was _so nice_.

However, that day, Nurse Gren knocked on our door. I looked at Yuuri confused, because Sunday was our free day and no one ever bothered us. Groaning, I got out of bed and opened the door.

“Nurse Gren?” I said as a greeting.

“Hello Viktor, your mother is here. She is waiting for you in the Common room” she said, and I gaped at her “Please get dressed and meet her there”.

“I… ah… okay” I said, before closing the door.

Shit this wasn't good, why was she here? She will never come see me just for the sake of it, I knew better than that by now. Shit, shit, shit. I was doing so well, why does she have to be back _now_? God, why did I eat that salad for lunch? I feel like I’m going to throw up. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? _What am I going to do?_

“Viktor…. _VIKTOR_ ” I hear Yuri say, and I realize he is shaking me by the shoulders, quite vigorously.

“I´m sorry Yuuri. Didn't quite catch that. What were you saying?” I say, trying to focus on Yuuri. The rest of the room is still spinning. _Round and round it goes._

“ I wasn't saying anything. I´ve been trying to make you snap out of it for the last minutes” he says, and I can finally focus on his face. He looks worried, his face all scrunched up and eyes filled with dread.

“Oh, sorry about that” I reply, raising my hand towards the crease between his eyebrows. I start rubbing it softly “You shouldn't frown like that Yuuri, your face is too pretty for such expressions”.

He looks startled for a moment and I drop my hand. Sighing, I move past him, towards the lump of clothes on my desk. I grab a sweater, putting it on as I move towards the door.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Yuuri suddenly asks. I turn around to look at him, opening my mouth with a “No” at the tip of my tongue. Our eyes meet, and I don't exactly know how, but suddenly, I realize that he really _cares_. He´s not asking out of politeness or pity. He cares.

“Yes. Please” I blurt out.

 

* * *

 

“Hey Mom” I say, and she looks up from her phone to stare at me. I sit in front of her, a small table between us. Yuuri seats down next to me quietly. She looks pretty and elegant, and most of all, cold. I stare at her blue eyes, so similar to mine, surrounded by long grey lashes coated with mascara. Her thin mouth in a stern line, painted with red lipstick that strikes painfully against the white and gray hues of her face.

“Well, you seem to have gained some weight. Thank god. Considering how much I have to pay this freaking place just so they teach you how to _eat_ ” she says, scrunching her mouth downwards with an expression of a barely concealed disgust.

“This is Yuuri mom, he is my friend” I say, smiling at her. Why do I always smile at her, when she never smiles at me?

She looks at Yuuri for a second, eyeing him up and down with no real interest. She turns to me again and says, “ I have news”.

“Oh?” I answer, trying to keep a light voice. _Smile Viktor, smile_. It’s less worse if you smile.

“I´m getting married next month, with that guy I told you about” she says, clearing non-existing dust from her gray jacket. God, I _hate_ the color gray.

“What guy mom?” I say, my voice thinning and my smile wavering slight. I can feel that Yuuri is looking at me. Until now, she had _never_ mentioned a guy.

“God, Viktor, you never listen to anything I say, do you?” she sighs with irritation “Well, doesn't matter. The thing I came to tell you is, when we get married he will come to the house. So I need you to figure out what you’ll do once you get out of this crazy house.”

“Why?” I ask, even if I already know the answer. Under the table, Yuuri takes my hand softly, squeezing it lightly.

“Because I you cant live with us, Viktor. I need this clean start. Can you stop being selfish for once and think about _my_ happiness? You are old enough to live by yourself, and you have full access to the trust fund your father left. That is more than enough to live comfortably for some years.” She says, picking up her purse and standing up “So, go to university, go get a job, whatever you want. Do you understand?”

“Yes, mom” I say weakly. She turns around and leaves, a wave of Chanel No.5 hitting me on the face. I stare at her figure until she disappears behind a closed door.

“Viktor” Yuuri says. I look down and realize that I am crushing his hand, with how tight I’m holding it. I stop holding it too tightly, but I don't let go. It´s scary how much I _need_ to hold Yuuris hand right now.

Slumping down my chair, I exhale a gulp of air I wasn't even aware I was holding.

“Viktor are you…” Yuuri starts, but I interrupt him mid sentence.

“You know what would be divine right now? Vodka. Or any kind of alcohol, for that matter” I say. Yuuri stays quiet for a moment, so I turn to look at him. He is chewing his lip worriedly, scanning my face.

“I have some” he blurts out.

“What? How?” I ask.

“I traded it to girl for some of my pills months ago” he says, scratching the back of his head. I frown upon hearing this. How many pills did he have to skip to be able to trade them for alcohol? That wasn't good. “Yuuri…” I start.

“I know, I know. I _have_ to take my pills. I´ve only done it once, and it was because she was going away and other people also offered her stuff for the bottle. Someone even had a packet of cigarettes. My pills are of the strong kind, I guess? So she traded with me. That's it.”

I stare at him worriedly, biting the inside of my cheek. He hits me on the forehead and stands up.

“Common, if you want to, we would have to drink after dinner, so no one bothers us”

 

* * *

 

At dinner, I can’t eat anything. Which is not surprising, really. I stare at Yuuri eat quietly. He eats so cutely, cutting his food into tiny pieces and the chewing them rapidly. For once, he doesn't comment on the lack of food in my plate. I get a couple of stares from the nurses, and I know I will probably have an extra-long session with Yakov tomorrow. Those nurses are always snitching us to him.

After dinner, Yuuri and I go to our room. He opens his wardrobe and takes out a boot. Out of the boot, he takes out a bottle of water. Except its not water, its vodka!

“Wahhh, Yuuri the magician!” I say, making him laugh sweetly.

“Stop it Viktor” he says, but there is no real bite to his words. He throws me the bottle, and I catch it easily “Drink up”.

“Wait, are we really just going to drink it like that?” I complain. That sounds too boring.

“Well, yeah?” Yuuri says, scratching the back of his neck. He sits on his bed, and I join him rapidly. I get comfortable, leaning back against the wall and placing my legs onto Yuuri´s lap. Without complain, he places his hands on my knees, patting them softly. Lately, I’ve been getting touchy. I can’t help it; I’m the kind of person that needs constant physical contact. Yuuri doesn't seem to mind it, though. In fact, he has become keener and keener to my contact lately. However, I don't think ill ever be able to make an actual _move_ on him, I’m too afraid. So casual touches it is.

“Nooo, Yuuri. I want to play a game!” I exclaim.

“What kind of game?” Yuuri asks.

“A fun one, duh. Lets play Never have I ever.” I answer.

“Ugh, what are you, 15?” he says, pinching my leg.

“Ohhh common you old man. Humor me.”

“Fine, fine. You start then. And we take a sip for every thing we have done. Playing with points or fingers would drag too long.” He states, which makes me pout a little because I had intended to drag this game as long as possible to learn more things about Yuuri.

“ _Fine_. Uhm…Never have I ever… passed out from drinking” I start. Yuuri sighs, and takes a sip from the bottle. He makes a face, swallowing with difficulty.

“God I hate vodka. My turn. Never have I ever had a one night stand.” He says, smirking a little at me.

“The _audacity_ ” I exclaim dramatically, taking a small sip from the bottle. The taste is very strong, but honestly it’s everything I need right now. “I see how this game´s gonna be. Never have I ever had a _boyfriend_ ”

Yuuri takes a sip. “Never have I ever skinny dipped”

“Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have told you that story” I say laughing. I take a sip, bigger this time. “Never have I ever smoked cigarettes”

“Ha! Me neither, I hate them” he says triumphantly. “Never have I ever gone to a motel”.

“I feel you are dragging me because of my slut past” I joke, which makes him snort loudly. If I had to choose one sound to hear for the rest of my life, it would be Yuuri´s laughter. I take my sip, and say “Never have I ever done heavy drugs”.

Yuuri takes a long sip and I raise my eyebrows, eyeing him curiously. “Don't look at me like that, I’ve told you I’ve been really messed up, haven’t I? My turn. Never have I ever…” And the game drags on, most of it still light banter until we hit the middle of the bottle.

Its not a big of a bottle, in fact I think that in normal circumstances a person wouldn’t get drunk out of this amount of vodka. But due to my constitution and the fact that I didn't eat dinner, I’m drunk. I think Yuuri is drunk too, or at least very tipsy, because he says, “Never have I ever had sex”

“What!?” I squeak, sitting up from my slumped position against Yuuri. I look at his face, and see blush dusting his cheeks and nose. I don't know if it’s from the confession, or from the vodka itself.

“Don't look at me like that. I just think you should do that kind of stuff with a person you love, or at least, that's what its like for me” he says, ruffling my hair. And I swear I can hear my heartbeat because _how can someone be so freaking cute?_

And suddenly, I’m crying. Wait, not crying, downright bawling. Being drunk its weird. Yuuri looks at me with panic-filled expression, trying to stop my tears from falling with his thumbs.

“Oh god I’m sorry Viktor I didn't mean to upset you. Oh god please don't cry, shhh, don't cry” he says with a strained voice.

“Its… not you” I answer, hiccupping a little “ Its just… I wish someone had told me that kind of stuff when I was younger. I wish _my mom_ told me that kind of stuff. You saw her Yuuri, you saw how she treats me. But I still love her so much. And I know its stupid. I’m so stupid”

“You are not stupid, love. People just really suck sometimes” he says, and I see he is crying a little too.

“I’m not stupid? Christ Yuuri, if you knew all the stupid shit I’ve done. I don't even know how to eat properly. I’ve slept with people who treat me like shit jut for the sake of it. And I couldn't… I didn't…. my dad….” And I’m bawling again, unable to utter another word.

Yuuri hugs me against his chest, stroking my hair soothingly. I cry and cry, while he whispers sweet-nothings into my ear. And just like that, I fall asleep in the warmth of his arms.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovely people of the internet! Hope you enjoyed this chapter <3 Two things:  
> 1\. The legal drinking age in my country is 18, so im not tagging this as underage drinking :)  
> 2\. It will take me a little longer to update the next chapter. Im going on a trip to see whales! No joke, actual wild whales on the ocean, with their babies and everything. Wish me luck!  
> You can find me on tumblr as http://gottagetstronger.tumblr.com/


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